{ Madison's Intro }
{ 2003-07-28 & 3:03 a.m. }

I suppose since this is my diary I dont need to explain where I am at right now butI feel an introduction would be helpful to myself at least.

I am 18 years old. I live alone. I had a faggot cat named Pixie but he was smushed about two weeks ago. Im sad, but it doesnt smell as bad around here so Im getting over it.

I moved out of my parents house about nine months ago. My parents are extremely religious and we had our differences as far as religion went. I wasnt a bad kid or a troublemaker. Dont get me wrong. I've just grown up in the church environment and my parents are sincere and genuine with their faith. I just came to a point where I decided I am not. My parents are not hypocrites and they raised me not to be one. Hence my reasoning for leaving home and choosing not to go to Bible school. Where I got to the point I am at now, Im not sure. I can tell you that a year ago the young, idealistic, conservative, pro-life, ballerina, born-again evangelical would have never dreamed of being where I am at now.

I am currently a stripper. Not a diseased drugged up slut, just a stripper. Not that there is anything wrong with being a drugged up slut, I just chose not to be one. Some people are comfortable with that lifestyle, I am not. I have a different set of self destructive addictions that I enjoy. Mine are less visible (sometimes) but they still erode your soul and tear your mind apart. My drugs are laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, etc. And I find refreshment in fasting, binging and purging, restricting my calories and being completly obsessed with food. I been this way since I was 11. Off again and on again. My parents are very caring and vigilant and I credit my not having killed myself yet to them. Recently, I have moved into my own apartment. No roommates. Its easier now. Its easier to forget to eat and to conveniently miss a meal or two - or even three days worth. I can have my pictures of skinny naked or half naked women on my walls, mirrors and fridge. And keep my scale right next to my refrigerator. No one watches me step on it millions of times a day. No one is there to stop me. I am consumed by my new dangerous freedom with food. I wonder what the outcome will be this time. How long it will take them to realize Im sick again. I know I have no right. But I cant fucking help myself.

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