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diaryland

Brandon - 2004-01-05
"good riddance" - 2004-01-01
update - 2003-12-23
The Rings - 2003-11-07
All My Lies - 2003-11-04

{ All My Lies }
{ 2003-11-04 & 4:54 a.m. }

Im thinking.

In actuality Im not. Im barely thinking. Im sitting here half braindead because I just had an extreme b/p session on my way home from work. My thoughts are choppy, fleeting, and mostly impulsive.

Its sort of funny - You're driving home from work and all the other cars are giving you plenty of space. They think you're drunk because of all your swerving, but really you're just obsessing so much over your taco because you have to binge now now now.

Im frustrated. I recieved my near 2000 dollar hospital bill today. Im 19, living alone, with no insurance. The first thing I did after seeing my hospital bill from the last time I was throwing up blood, was binge. My timing was perfect. I was in the car. I ordered two tacos, a soft taco, a chicken cheddar quesadilla, and chilli cheese fries. By the time I was home, I walked in the door. Turned on the shower. Got naked. Pulled my hair back. Wrote an apology in case I ruptured my esophagus. Stepped In. Slid my fingers in and ta da ...thirty minutes later I was empty. Now here I sit. Binging on cookies and water. Bringing my stomach back to that point where I can barely move, and I wont until I walk slightly hunched with my hand almost carrying my stomach to the toilet.

Recovery. *sigh* Its not working. Im not even trying. Do I just say oh well, I had a bad night and continue? Its hopeless. I want it. Thats good right? Well sometimes. Now, I just want to make myself feel good. Eat and forget, and then purge and forget, and then I'll go to sleep.

If my boyfriend could see this he'd be so dissapointed. I know he wants me to think about good things and be happy and be normal. I want to give that to him. I want to give that to myself. If he knew about tonight I dont know what he'd think. Maybe frustrated. Why cant you just be normal? Fix the problem. Stop this.

33 cookies and 4 glasses of water later. Im on my way to the toilet. Im going to come back, so I can learn to stop this and learn to never do it again.

Soon. Maybe

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