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diaryland

Brandon - 2004-01-05
"good riddance" - 2004-01-01
update - 2003-12-23
The Rings - 2003-11-07
All My Lies - 2003-11-04

{ Brandon }
{ 2004-01-05 & 6:54 a.m. }

There are a lot of things that I want to say to you but I donít feel that I can because you donít let me speak beyond my first sentence without giving explanations for how I feel or what I mean. When I explain that you arenít allowing me to talk and you sit there and demand for me to speak and explain and you say youíre going to listen I know its insincere. When I begin to talk youíre poised and ready to shoot back with something without letting me speak. Discussing things with you is tiring and somewhat childish. Its mostly tit for tat, and focused on winning an argument. Relationships arent about that. Thatís why I just sit there and listen to you go on sometimes because I know its pointless. Discussions to get past and through things arenít about that. Bringing something up to make a relationship better isnít about winning and getting what you want. Thatís selfish. You frustrate me. I hate the way you speak to me. You almost always have a condescending tone. Maybe you donít realize it, but you really should work on it. Because the next relationship you have it will come up. I am more than competent and I am very intelligent. I donít deserve to be spoken to in that way. I didnít deserve it when your mother called me a stripper and I donít deserve it now. Any way you try to do it, its still infantile.

I donít think your mother is crazy. There are a lot of things I think about her but crazy is not one of them. Iíve never had the problem with your mother that you and she seem to think I have. You taking it to the extreme and saying that I donít like her and I hate her is unfair to both of us. I never said either one of those things. I have said that she is a little over involved. That you do way too much for her. That she is an adult and should take some more responsibility for her own emotions and life. I can understand being near death, Iíve been in and out of that state for the past eight years of my life. I have been in hospital beds with tubes down my throat. I have been monitored and watched for up to two hours after I have eaten. I have spent embarrassing months inpatient at several hospitals. I have wondered almost every time Iíve purged if my esophagus would rupture or if I would have a heart attack and Iíve been grateful as Iíve wiped away stray vomit from millions of walls to still be alive and promising myself that it would be the last time. Iíve experienced the death of my father dying from cancer just like you have. Iíve slit my wrists. Been raped and beaten. I have spent some of my scariest moments living alone for the past year with no one. I realize that you and your mother have only each other but when you say that I donít understand or you tell me like I donít know, thatís really insulting. Iím not looking for pity or sympathy Brandon, because thatís life. I have lost four pounds since new years. Im not going to upset everyone with that though. I donít need to dwell on my problems and make them other peoples problems and burden them with them. I would feel selfish doing that. My problems are in the past and they can stay there, the only thing I need to work on now is how they affect my relationships now and my future. Thatís what Iím focusing on.

I never said your mother was a bad person. I never said I didnít like her. I enjoy your mother a lot. But there are some things that cross the line. Iíve never said any of this before because you know what, some things just arent my place. Just like some things in our relationship belong between us. Just like I wouldnít expect your mother to tell me it was stupid of me to do something and tell me that I need to manage things better. I cant believe that she wouldnít remember that; I cant believe that you wouldnít. I did. Because it was obviously rude to me. I didnít even know what to say. And for her to say that I was too sensitive and took it to heart is kind of funny and rather ironic.

Which brings me to my next issue. You really have some nerve to stand there and look me in the face and tell me that the reason our relationship isnít working out is because I cant trust you. You really ought to think about some of the things that come out of your mouth before you say them. Halloween, you sat there with your friend and swore me to secrecy about how the two of you wrecked his car and then claimed that someone stole it so you could get some insurance money. That day I spent sitting on the couch watching movies with your mother a few days before my performance, you came home from work, sat in that chair and said to your friend. ďyes, that is what I am going to do. I am planning on doing this.Ē I remember. You cant tell me that its not what you said or meant. Do you know why? I was absolutely appalled that you would even consider doing something that I thought would be so out of your character. Up to that point I had adored you and I couldnít believe what I was hearing. You promised me that YOU wouldnít. I said okay. Now, I have to interpret what that means. Because there is always a little bending the rules with you. Time went by and you said you were getting a new car soon. I didnít understand how but I said okay. You took your seats out. And then a few days later put them back in. I thought that was really odd considering you just took them out. The thought ran through my mind that you were up to something, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt and said nothing. Then all of a sudden, your car is stolen. Ironic. How convenient. What the hell am I supposed to think? Look at the situation Brandon! How dare you be upset with me for questioning what the hell was going on. No explanations. You barely call me to even try to give me a story or ease my mind. You want to be mad at someone, you can be mad at yourself. Most definetly not me for being upset because I think you did something illegal. My actions and behaviors in the past that you are so quick to get on my ass about are atleast legal. Something as huge as insurance fraud affects everyone around you and is extremely illegal. Whether you did it or not is irrelevant now. I donít know what to think. You never gave me explanations. Iíll never know. Maybe you did and it didnít work out the way you thought it would. Oh well. Maybe this whole thing is a lie. I donít know. You want to be mad at me for wanting whats best. You go right ahead. But youíve got some serious thinking to do about that. So go ahead and explain to people that we broke up because im a bitch or because I donít like your mother because neither one of those is true. But you really shouldnít make excuses for the real reasons we broke up. The problem with lies is that eventually you start believing them when you tell them enough. Self deception is the worst kind of deception there is Brandon. I hope you remember that. This relationship ending is not my fault, its not completely your fault, we both could have done so many things better. But Iíll be damned if youíre going to pin this on ďyou didnít trust meĒ. I donít deserve that type of treatment by any means.

I love you Brandon. More than you even realize. You would have given me the shirt of your back? Well you know what? I figuratively did it. I quit my job for you. I stopped going to the club. Iíve rearranged my lifestyle and schedule for you. Because I wanted to be with you. I didnít rub it in your face, resent you for it,or bring it up all the time. Because I wanted an awesome life with you. And no, I didnít do it completely for you, but you were definetly part of it and I wouldnít have otherwise. You werenít the only one doing planning. You arent the only one who had to make decisions about things. Donít be so selfish to think that. When I met you I wasnít looking for anyone. I was happy alone. You pursued me. You adjusted and placed me into your life. I turned my whole world upside down to accommodate you. Because I love you. I was okay with that. I didnít mind. Im not mad at you and I donít hate you Brandon. Im just frustrated and confused as to why you treat me the way you do sometimes. Its easy to say ďAll I ever did was love youĒ. But relationships are unfortunately a little more complex and require some more thought about how what you say and do and what you donít do affect it. You know I love you, and you know I miss you. Weíve both done some things wrong and I apologize for my share of mistakes. I donít think Iíll get the same out of you but I guess that the fact that I can recognize the situation for what it is is going to have to be sufficient for me. I hope you still call and I hope we still talk. While youíve pissed me off sometimes it still doesnít change how I love you or how much it hurts not to be with you. Iíd like to atleast have lunch or something every now and then to see how things are going. I hope youíll allow me that much. Remember when I said that I need to do whats best for me? I think this is it. For now, I just need to be alone. I donít know what else to do with myself. I love you.

Forever Yours,

Kristen

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