{ New Beginnings }
{ 2003-11-03 & 6:51 a.m. }

Im going to miss my old diary, but I need to get away from all the negativity. I started to carry the archives from the old one over to here, but I figured I shouldnt. Im trying to get better. I should just let it be. There is too much cussing in the old one. I didnt realize until I read it how negative it sounded. Im glad I am not the person I was a few months ago. I've stopped cussing as much. Things are getting better. Im a lot happier. I think Im ready to go back into recovery now. I have got to work on preserving my body and my sanity. I dont think I want to do this anymore. I have a wonderful boyfriend, Im quitting the club, and I want to be healthy before I go back to school.

Isnt this crazy? I cant believe Im saying all of this. I cant believe the thoughts that Im thinking. Im calling the doctors office tomorrow to start going back weekly so they can moniter me and do my weigh ins. Im also doing a bible study with my mother on monday mornings. Im feeling normal, and Im getting really happy about it. Im excited to be doing things. I promised my boyfriend that I would try to start getting better. Im feeling really encouraged. I know its going to be hard, but I dont really want to think about it. I hadnt purged this week until last night when I ate some eggs and some cookies and milk. I just drank some broth and some dry ramen noodles and am debating still. My stomach is full, it hurts, but I really want to get better. Im trying to grow my nails out so I wont want to purge as much.

I tried cocaine Saturday night too. Another slip up. Someone told me that it would make me thinner, but I dont feel any thinner and I dont think it works unless you're an addict. Which is not an option. I guess Im not doing as well with recovery as I thought. Thats okay. I just started. I'll get better. I dont want to go inpatient. Ever again. Never. Thats a good motivation to stop now. See. There are millions of reasons why I need to get better.

Could you imagine? Eating without worry. I wonder if that will ever happen for me. I wonder if I will ever get to that point.

His name is Brandon. He's the football player for those of you tuning in from my last diary. I love the way he kisses me, and Im so in love with him. He makes me want to be better. For him. I should atleast try.

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